Thursday, March 22, 2012

If You're Reading This...

Over the next few months, I did more soul searching than I've ever done in my life. When a dream is shattered you begin to look at everything around you, trying to find what you really should hope for. For me, I was merely living from one day to the next now. Trying to ignore the fact that I didn't have a heart anymore. It had been ripped from me in such a gut wrenching way, that my whole perspective of walking with GOD was changed. I kept going to church. I just wanted to do what I had to do to check it off of my being a decent Christian list. I still believed in GOD, but I didn't really want a relationship with HIM anymore. I believed HE had failed me...lead me into a valley and left me with no pathway out.

Quickly, I decided I had to start dating, so I dated the first guy that showed me attention. He was younger. Not even remotely serving the LORD. He believed in GOD but that was it as far as I could see. That suited me just fine too. I didn't want anyone who would point me toward the CROSS again. He was so very sweet and completely devoted to me, but to be honest, he was only there to keep me company. I'm not proud of it, but really I used him so I wouldn't have to be alone with my thoughts or even worse, GOD.

The weeks dragged on and I kept in touch with Big Earl and Jerrie. We rarely discussed anything to do with Earl and Amy. It was always a just checking on you conversation. I was content to bury that part of my life and never resurrect it, but there was one person who wouldn't let me do that...my mom. She kept telling me over and over to have faith.

I remember yelling at her once and saying, "What don't you get!?! He's getting married! Leave me alone!"

Of course her answer in an always cheerful and jolly tone was, "Well they're not married yet."

Really, there were times when I almost hated her for trying to keep this dream alive. Why couldn't she let it go? I was.

Around the first of November, I stopped seeing the guy I'd been dating. I guess guilt overwhelmed me and I really didn't feel anything for him. I only liked that having him around numbed my pain. For the first time in two months, I was alone. Completely and utterly alone, with the exception of a mouse that had taken up residence in my kitchen. He would come out searching for food and just stop stare at me before scampering back to wherever he was hiding. I almost felt guilty for putting a trap out to capture him. He felt like the only friend I had at the moment, but I just couldn't share my residence with a mouse. I wasn't that crazy.

Then one day, I decided to busy myself with unpacking something that I hadn't gotten around to yet. Keeping my mind occupied helped fend off my thoughts. Unfortunately, this task only ended up taking me to the place I was working so hard to avoid.

As I shuffled through some papers I'd pulled out, I found a letter I'd written Earl. It was dated Thanksgiving of 2001, almost a year had passed. This is an excert of the beginning:

Lil Earl,
Hey Honey! If you're reading this then I know it's okay to call you that because we finally made it...If you're reading this then I know it's our wedding night because that's when I want you to truly know all that I am about to tell you...

The letter went on for five pages, detailing every great work GOD had done to show me why he was the man I was supposed to marry.  Tears flowed as I went back to each of those moments. It was like walking through it all over again. I wanted to rip the letter to shreds, yet I was drawn to keep reading. I wanted to crumple it up and toss it in the trash, yet I neatly folded it and placed it back in the envelope I'd kept it in. I wanted to take a match and watch it go up in flames the way my heart had two months earlier, yet I stood it up against the wall and walked away.

I lay on the floor in a pool of tears, begging GOD to take this burden away. I was supposed to be moving forward, not looking back. Why did I find it now while the pain was still so fresh? Why was my heart stirring, wanting to believe this craziness again? Then in true Scarlett O'Hara fashion, I decided, " I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."

3 comments:

  1. Raquel, I know it might not seem right for me to even being saying and doing the things I am. But just as God told you that Lil Earl was to be your life partner even when that relationship wasn't there, I felt God telling me about Mary. At first I told God that I wasn't suppose to be considering having someone in my life yet. It had not been the right time yet (what ever time is right after you loose the love of your life). I asked God, no I begged God to remove those thoughts. Mary had a male friend. Why was I being drawn to her? I could not let her go from my thoughts and heart. So yours and Earl's story does speak to me. Now Mary and I will be getting married and WE are convenced that it is God's workings. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  2. Meryl, We love you and support your decision. We have no idea what you have had to endure, nor the pain you've experienced in losing Marsha. God does and we pray HIS blessings on you!

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  3. Faith does move Mountains! I love you more than words can say. I'm so proud of you. Truly not many would have kept waiting on the Lord. Abraham & Sarah didn't. You are very Special & Unique! This must be published when you are finished. Love always, Mom

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