Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Time to Move on

Last Tuesday, I experienced one of the toughest things I know I'll ever have to face. My grandfather died. I'd been waiting for that phone call for over a week and when it came I wanted to ignore it. Somehow, it seemed if I did that it wouldn't be real; that ignoring it would mean he was still alive. Ultimately though, I knew in my heart it wouldn't change what was happening and it was time to accept it and began grieving for the rock of a man I had just lost. Obviously, it was just simply time to move on. Funny how that correlates with the next part of the story.

After the phone call from Shawnta, I wanted more confirmation. As if her telling me wasn't enough! So once I was able to pull myself together, I called Jerrie, Earl's mom. It was really a comical conversation looking back, but at the time it was a way for me to find peace and move on, or at least I thought that's what I was going to do.

"Hello." she said as she answered the phone.

"Hey. Anything new going on with you guys lately," I sarcastically retorted.

"No. Not really." said the timid, uncertain of what to say, voice on the other end.

"Really? Nothing? Nothing new with your boys or anything?" I exclaimed more than asked in a disconcerted manner.

She paused..."You already know," was her subdued answer.

"Know what?" I again inquired hastily.

"You know. I'm not going to say it. I don't want to say it, Rock." she somberly explained.

However, that wasn't good enough for me. I knew I needed her to say it. I need it for many reasons, so I continued to prod.

"What don't you want to say? I need to you tell me what's going on."

Reluctantly she blurted it out, "Earl asked Amy to marry him."

I was positive that confirmation from her would set me free from the dream I now believed was more of a type of bondage than anything. It didn't. A brief flush of relief swept over me and then the sickening feeling crept back up from the pit of my stomach.

However, what she told me next did breathe some life back into me. It was her reaction to the news. They had come over to tell her and Big Earl and she sat down at the dining room table with them. She already knew what they were about to say, because someone else had spilled the beans before Earl and Amy came by. Not being the first to find out had really broken her heart in many ways she explained, but she was determined to be happy for them when they told her.

As Amy put her hand out to show the ring, Jerrie took it and looked down and just cried she recounted the story. Thoughts flooded her mind and without even thinking, she said it...

"What am I going to tell Rock?"

Jerrie told me about Earl's reaction, "Mom, I can't deal with that right now."

She immediately began apologizing and Amy pulled her hand back and said, "Oh."

It did make me feel somewhat better that their happy moment was sorta spoiled. I listened as Jerrie went on about how she meant for that thought to stay in her head, but somehow it just came out. I laughed and it helped lighten the conversation. We spoke a few more minutes and then hung up.

After the call, I sat there, pondering.

What do I do now? I've waited for so long. How do I go on? How do I keep believing GOD? Why was this the ending after all we'd been through? Why did Earl say that? No. Don't go there. It didn't mean anything...but it was an odd reaction. No! You have to let this go! Stop analyzing what you want to hear and live with what has happened. Why GOD, why?

And then I decided it. It was clear. I had no other choice in front of me. It was time to move on.

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