The Part I'd Like to Forget

Over the last few months, my life has been so chaotic. We traveled a lot this past fall, vacationing, visiting family and friends, taking part in weddings and then before I knew it the holidays were here. I say all this because, it's not an excuse, but it has been part of the reason my blog has no new entries in four months. However, it's not the only reason. I've struggled with writing this again. How to tell it, what to say, can I really glorify GOD through it? And to be honest, the next part of the story really isn't my favorite part. It's the part that brought me so much grief and heartache, that I haven't really wanted to go back there and revisit it. The pain was very real and even though I know how it turns out, remembering this part of the story still makes me twinge and feel so vulnerable all over.

So what compelled me to go forward? I got a message on Facebook from someone I did not know. They had stumbled upon a link to my blog on a friends page and wrote me. They told me what a blessing it was to them and it was exactly what they needed, so I realized, I have to do this. No matter if the next part of the story is painful and the part I'd most like to forget, GOD has called me to share this amazing story, not bottle it up and only remember it when Earl and I fight or on special occasions. This isn't just my story or even Earl's story, it's HIS story...HE wrote it and I'm obiligated to share it.

Now onto the story. After my epiphany, my relationship with GOD was so strong, I honestly felt on top of th world. My relationship with Earl though was anything but. It was a constant roller coaster ride; up, down, twisting, turning, making me excited and then making me sick. I never knew what was coming next but GOD was always constant to remind me, "I'm the ONE." Over the next year, a young lady who had come into our lives became a part of this story in enormous way. Because my intention is to only glorify GOD with this blog, we will call her Amy.

She was a cute little 18 year old girl. Amy, like so many other girls around us, developed a crush on Earl. It never really bothered me that she, or any other young girl had feelings for him. I knew what GOD had shown me and I rested in that. Besides, they were kids in my mind, not really viable options for becoming his mate. I was a 22 year old woman about to graduate with a Bachelor's degree, sure of my salavation and growing daily in my relationship with Christ. She was 18 year's old, a high school drop out, that sometimes attended church, and as far as I could see was clueless about what it really mean to have a relationship with CHRIST. So when I saw something begin to develop between Amy and Earl, I was baffled. I mean, he was 10 years older than her, and quite frankly it showed. Not because he looked so much older but because despite being 18, she looked 14.

I can remember Earl and I had several discussions about her. Anytime he needed someone to talkt to or something happened, I was the one he turned to, not her. I remember him telling me he wasn't really that interested in her, but I watched as she just kept pursuing him. You have to understand some things about Earl to know why his words and actions didn't exactly match up. He has one of the most compassionate and tender hearts of anyone I've ever met. He hates to hurt people. He truly desires to please everyone, which is just an impossibility but it doesn't stop him from trying. So naturally, when Amy's mother called him and asked him to give her a chance because she thought Earl could help get Amy on a good track, he obliged. And they began to develop a relationship, but it would take several months before Earl would really tell anyone that he was dating her.

Being his best friend, he often shared details of their volatile relationship with me. It would break my heart to hear him be so confused about what he felt for her. I knew he didn't really want to be in the relationship, but something kept him there. The 10 year age difference played a huge role in the volatility of their relationship, as well as the spiritual gap of where each one was in their relationship with CHIRST.

Over the next year, I wrestled with my faith a great deal. I knew I believed GOD had shown me I was supposed to wait on Earl, but there were days where the pain was unbearable. So I decided to try dating. Maybe I'd realize I'd been wrong all along. However, no matter how much I tried I didn't feel anything more than friendship for those I would go out with. And every time I thought I could move past what I felt for Earl, GOD would do something that was inexplicable to show me HE had a greater plan. There was nothing I could but trust GOD. So I stood by and watched as Earl chose to date her. He chose to begin to bring her around and try to make a real relationship of it. I stood on the sidelines feeling hopeless, yet hopeful because I knew GOD could still fix everything. Then it happened...

Amy never liked me for so many reasons. It was obvious Earl and I had something special. A friendshp that was unlike any other. He would call me before he'd call her when making a decision. I tried being nice to her, but no matter what, it was clear that she had no interest in being my friend or allowing me and Earl to continue our friendship. So she demanded he choose. Either he felt something for me or her. He had to choose. So he did. He chose her. I don't know why. I guess because they had dated on and off for a year. Or because we'd never dated and the relationship we had was so different than his past relationships. It wasn't built solely on attraction. You see, every relationship Earl had ever been in was full of distrust and arguing and so to have someone that was agreeable, that he trusted completely and felt safe with was foreign to him. Whatever the reason in the summer of 2002, he chose her and told me he wanted nothing more to do with me. I felt my dreams shatter in an instant and I had no idea where to go from here...